There is life after abuse – it’s worth fighting for

  • Published
  • By Airman 1st Class Abby L. Finkel
  • 48th Fighter Wing Public Affairs
“The weight on my chest grows lighter every day,” she said, “but, more importantly, I’m not carrying it into my future where it could impact my two innocent and beautiful sons.”

Outwardly, it is impossible to tell that Kate, a military spouse, nurse and mother of twin 10-month-old boys, was once the victim of physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of a close family member.

Through her strength and determination, she was able to not only survive the abuse, but also thrive as an adult.

“I was already a strong person,” Kate said, “which is why I survived. I will continue to grow stronger by choosing to live my life in the present and not the past. Who I am is not the result of abuse, but rather the abuse forced me to ‘fine tune’ certain things about myself I wouldn’t have otherwise had to. I am a survivor, not a victim.”

The abuse began when Kate was only 5 years old. Her parents had been divorced for a couple of years, and she was living with her mother when it started.

Kate knew that something was wrong, so she sought out help from her teachers. Unfortunately, she didn’t end up getting the help she needed.

“I gave up talking about it, as it appeared no one was really listening,” she said. Feeling that no one would help her, Kate told everyone that she had made it all up.

As a result, Kate was put in counseling, where she would remain throughout her adolescent years.

Over the next few years, Kate tried to convince herself that nothing was wrong. If her abuser ever seemed too friendly, or touched her too much, she would try to justify his behavior. He was just being nice. She must have misinterpreted it.

Until the day it all changed.

“When I was about 11 or 12,” she said, “I had asked him to start waking me up in the morning. One morning he came in and did a lot more than wake me up.”

Kate decided she needed proof before coming forward again.

“I waited another two to three years,” she said. “I was about 14, I had just graduated 8th grade, and I wanted to see the video tape of my graduation ceremony. I remember turning on the camera and there I was – getting undressed. He had started videotaping everything he was doing to me. That was the evidence I needed.”

She brought the tape to an adult, hoping for an end to her nightmare.

But it wasn’t over. Unbeknownst to her, the tape would be destroyed. Without that proof, and because those around her thought she had lied about the abuse when she was five, no one helped her. For the second time in a decade, she was ignored.

“I died in that moment,” she said. “I literally felt my soul just sink into itself and shrivel away. I heard every word [the child protective services worker] said like a knife to my heart, as I sat there dumbfounded on why no one could, would, should help me. I had done everything right. I had gotten the evidence I needed.”

With no other recourse, she returned home. Her abuser moved out, but still maintained a close relationship with the rest of her family.

Throughout all of these trials, Kate always remained strong.

“The only internal resource I had at times,” she said, “was keeping my eyes on the future with sheer determination of will and grit. I had to constantly tell myself that my life, my dreams, my goals and who I could be did not stop here.”

During this time, Kate began seeing a new counselor – the first one who ever really listened to her. He was able to help her finally start the healing process.

“[The counselor] became the first male, I would say, that helped me reestablish trust. Because that’s hard, I think, for anyone who’s been abused – finding someone you can trust. Especially for a female, finding another male, that’s not going to hurt her, or lie to her, or do something to her. That definitely started the recovery process there.”

It was another few years before Kate could completely leave her abusive surroundings behind. At 16 years old, after getting into an altercation with her mother, she moved to Virginia to live with her father, who had no knowledge of the abuse Kate had suffered.

Finally free to move forward, Kate was determined to not let it affect her future.

“I took what happened to me and channeled it into an energy to push me forward to be successful,” she said. “I had told myself a long time ago there was no way I was going to roll over and die. There was no way I was going to let all of these horrible things consume me. I was put on this earth for something more than that.”

Her drive pushed her to succeed; she began to build the life that she knew she deserved. She went to college, graduating Magna Cum Laude with a bachelor’s degree in nursing. She married, traveled the world with her husband.

Although she was doing well, she still felt she hadn’t completely dealt with her childhood trauma. In her late 20s, Kate decided to go back to counseling to really process through everything she’d been through.

“I actively sought out that therapy,” she said. “I knew that I just needed someone to help me make all those pieces fit, to tell me that everything I had done was OK, and that I wasn’t that crazy person hauling around all that baggage for no reason. It was a safe place to set that baggage down. It will always be there, but at the end of the day, it’s just a part of me, it doesn’t define me.”

The therapy has helped Kate move forward and heal the wounds she’s had to bear since childhood.

“If I could tell child-abuse victims one thing,” Kate said. “It would be that there is life after abuse and it’s worth fighting for. Don’t be swallowed by the pain; instead, use the pain as your motivation to fight back. Fight back by being successful. Fight back by being happy. Fight back by leaving the abuse where it belongs – in the ashes of your past where it can’t live in your future.”